I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
