I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize