i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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