the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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