PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
