it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
