Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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