so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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