that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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