The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
