she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
