Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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