I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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