Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
