He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
