no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
