I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
