I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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