I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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