First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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