So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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