After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
