he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
