So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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