Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
