We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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