I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
