I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
