His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
