ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize