Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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