remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
