we have officially mastered the walk of shame
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
