Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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