I just threw up on my dentist
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
