So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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