True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
