I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
