Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
