I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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