How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
