its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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