i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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