a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
