the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
