What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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