Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
