i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
