my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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