i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
