I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
