textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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