rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
