I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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