i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
