Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
