Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have demons in me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
