i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
