Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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